“Is it okay to watch porn? It is if it teaches you new ways to love your woman.”
I've heard the above rationalization tossed out as a legitimate answer to the question “is it okay to watch porn?” and I feel that it is worth taking a close look at. It is easy to say that something, say, pornography, is a sin, and it is also easy to rationalize sin by coming up with an easy-to-swallow explanation of its supposed benefits. The problem is that when we rationalize behaviors that we know are wrong, we do so by re-defining reality on our own terms.
Consider the assumption in the above justification. It claims that porn is perfectly acceptable if it helps you to “love” your wife in new ways. Love is good, therefore porn is achieving a good end. The problem is that this statement redefines sex as love; it is not. Certainly sex is intended by God as an expression of love between a husband and a wife, inasmuch as it was created for any other purpose (such as procreation). It is a private union between one soul and another, wherein each delights fully in the other through intense emotional and physical pleasure. It is close, it is special, it’s even fun. It is an act that is both far too serious to take lightly, and also far too much fun to take too seriously. It draws people together and binds them at a very fundamental, emotional level, just as it is written “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24 ESV) The problem is that sex, in and of itself, is not love.
Sex can, and very often is, be removed from the realm for which God intended it. Like a man steeling apples from a farm, the pleasures of sex may be stolen, taken in a selfish manner for one’s own sole pleasure. This is the very foundation of porn: It is sexual pleasure divorced from any form of personal interaction. This fact is admitted in the rationalization under examination, as it suggests that if porn informs and educates the individual, so that they may then take what they have learned and use it to properly love their spouse, then clearly it has been used in a good manner and not merely as a selfish attempt to make oneself feel good without the bothersome mess of interaction. It assumes that apart from this utilitarian, educational function, porn is in fact sinful. If it did not, then there would be no reason for the one speaking to state that it is good IF it is used in this manner, as he could otherwise state that “porn is good” and move on. So what we know from the one making this statement is that they believe that porn is sinful, unless it may be used for the noble end of loving ones spouse. But since sex is an expression of love and not love itself, how can porn achieve this good goal?
Now the veil is truly being torn from this rationalization. Consider, if you will, the individual watching porn solely for the intent of learning some new method for pleasuring their spouse. They sit watching acts being played out, taking notes and looking on with a purely intellectual interest, as though studying the finer points of Calculus. Does this image strike anyone as altogether ridiculous? Surely it is difficult for anyone to honestly conceive of such a dispassionate viewing, for the whole purpose of porn is to play upon one of the deepest, programed desires of human beings: Sex. Male or female, no one is immune to its effects and lures. It would be like studying science by taking narcotics; certainly you will experience the effect of chemicals on the body, but certainly there will be nothing academic about the experience as one’s judgment and outlook will be impaired by the very thing being studied, perhaps permanently so. It is the same with sex. Sex is a powerful drug, easily addicting and always available through one means or another. It is a drug intended for the sole indulgence of a man and a wife, together, with each other. “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” (Proverbs 5:18-19, ESV)
What if we allow this fact? Perhaps, let us say, it is acceptable to view porn precisely in the manner intended, full of lust and self-inflicted, self-focused pleasure, if, after we have experienced such self-inflamed fits of passion, drooling over men and women who are not our spouses, we then look back upon the experience and allow it to inform our future lovemaking toward our spouse?
To answer this, consider: is your wife willing to allow you to sleep with any other woman (or would you allow her to sleep with any other man man) provided you learn some new tricks in bed? Will she look the other way if it means increasing your “sexual skill”? Do you expect her to look into your eyes and say “My, I’m certainly glad you slept with so-and-so, you’re getting so much better at this”? The mind revolts at the thought. What could you expect to see in the eyes of your wife except pain if you tell them that you learned any particular “trick” from time spent with another woman? Porn is no different. True, you are not physically with another, but you are with them mentally and emotionally. There is a reason the term “emotional affair” exists; pain and separation between two people can be caused just as easily by an inappropriate thought-life as by inappropriate physical actions. “Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?” (Proverbs 5:20, ESV)
Prior to my wedding, I recall a co-worker asking me whether or not I would be going to a strip club for my bachelor party. I was a bit surprised by the question, as the individual asking seemed to assume that the answer would be yes (this individual was also a woman). I said that I would not, to which I was asked why, seeing as it is apparently the stereotypical “bachelor party” thing to do. My answer was then as it is now: Why would I, on the eve of being with the woman I love more than any other in the world, spend my night lusting after numerous girls I neither know nor care about?
Porn is this very thing. It is you, lusting and pleasuring yourself over women or men whom you neither know nor care for. To take such a selfish and uncaring act, and then to justify it to yourself by saying that it helps you to “love” your spouse is the very height of self-deception. There is nothing loving in intentionally steering your desires towards countless others.
Sex is a beautiful, magnificent thing. So much so that an entire book of the Bible (the Song of Songs) is dedicated to it. Biblically, sex is not intended to be dull and uninteresting. Indeed, sex is, by its very nature, exciting and fun. But it is also intended to create an environment for closeness and connection, even for exploration, but exploration of one’s spouse, not of other people. It matters very little what anyone else does in bed, certainly it matters nothing what any number of porn stars are doing; all that matters is what you and your spouse desire together, and to grow, explore, love, enjoy, and comfort one another through your lovemaking.
Consider the following passage from the Song of Songs, as the husband and lover appraises his bride in the most intimate, even playful, terms: “How beautiful and pleasant you are, O loved one, with all your delights! Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters. I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its fruit. Oh may your breasts be like clusters of the vine, and the scent of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine.” (Song of Songs 7:6-9, ESV) Consider also her reply in verses 9 and 10: “It goes down smoothly for my beloved, gliding over lips and teeth. I am my beloved's, and his desire is for me.” Are these the thoughts and is this the lovemaking of a couple anxious to spice up their life with new things learned from others they've been lustfully watching or physically interacting with? No, it is nothing more and nothing less than the ecstasy of two people who are deeply in love, concerned only with each other, delighting only in each other, without a thought for the rest of the world around them. This is Biblical sex, and this is the goal for which all married couples should strive. It is not obtained by studying the sexual habits of anyone else; indeed, it is only obtained when one learns to put one’s own desires aside and strive solely to please and to enjoy one’s spouse, and them alone.
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